Love
About the Author:
Romy Tuli is a merit holder in Masters of Arts in English from Punjabi University Patiala. She is currently an M.Phil Research Scholar from Central University of Punjab.
There was a long silence across the faces, never to talk again. A cool breeze was blowing which otherwise had let them hug tightly in each other’s arms, holding hands and protecting their thumbs and fingers from getting numb. The same breeze had brought them closer and closer to feel the breaths and to attain warmth. The water beside began to freeze and the fish enjoy the cosiness beneath it. The birds and squirrels were still and the trees became for laden. Everything was same except the words which used to be on their lips. The shivering hands are no more holding each other.
He was expecting some moaning from her and few drops of tears that he want to wipe but nothing such happens. He was not surprised, however, the thing was not new. Every time he wanted to ask her the reason for her distasteful behaviour but his ego stopped him. He viewed her lips intending to kiss her but not letting her guess. He doubted her sexuality sometimes but dared not to comment.
He held her hand and she didn’t deny. He was about to kiss her but she took her face away and this made him more irritated. Hours passed but a complete silence prevailed. Heads were heavy and hearts were full of emotions, those emotions that were turning from love to hatred.
The day he held her hand in love for the first time is the same day that had converted their love to lust. Lust which was one-sided, had weakened their bond. She looked into her eyes and wanted him to put her head on his shoulder but his only attention was on her body, noticing every time the weight she had gained or lost. In the beginning, he used to buy her flowers, chocolates, arranged candle lit dinners, held her high and walking around so that her feet didn’t not touch the ground. Soon his interest grew towards buying her some tight fitting clothes and then lingerie.
I had suppressed a hurricane beneath my heart not to let it expose and didn’t, even, uttered a single word knowing well he wouldn’t understand. There was something that hinders our love and that was physical intimacy. Perhaps, I loved his soul and sex seemed a burden. I couldn’t bear his ugly face and body above me and everything went worse day by day. Had I expressed my inner self, he would have left me forever.
By the time, the sun was shining high. Squirrels were hiding their nuts in the grass. I wanted to feed them some food with my hands and watched them eating. A bright ray set on the top of his hair. I wanted to play with his hair that I used to do. But I lost all courage. My little smiles and talks that had otherwise seemed pleasant to him suddenly lost all interests. Either he talked to me on the matters of sex or he abused me for the mistakes I never know I had committed.
In a firm voice, finally he asks, “So you don’t want any relationship?”
“Who said?”
“Ha ha … your inner self.”
“So sure! Are you?”
“Hmm”
I replied hesitatingly, “But I said nothing.”
He stood up cleaning his clothes as if he was about to leave me and never to return. My sighs grew fast and my throat filled with tears. I avoided speaking as my heavy voice would make him weak. Today, I only wanted to hear the truth, the decisions that he has taken without involving me. Some of them that he had taken many times regardless of my wishes and had told me later. He had viewed my expressions every time and pleaded with a word ‘sorry’.
After few minutes he asked again, “So what do you want?”
I was not speaking to not to make him drown deep into emotions. Somehow, I cleaned my throat and uttered, “I need you.”
A look of anger rushed into his eyes and his voice grew into shouts. I held my breath as I had never seen his such monstrous attire. He cried, “You have ruined my life. I’m nowhere to turn to. Nothing is left now. Why have you done this? What for? I fulfilled you every wish, spent money lavishly upon you, bought you costly pleasures, gifted you all the luxuries, the costly dresses and cosmetics, took you around the most decent places- in beautiful hotels and the places where only you and I were there. I skipped my business work many times just for spending some time with you, I never let you go alone anywhere because I cared you. I always protected you from every disastrous situation because you were my would be wife. Only two years Annie, only two, are you have ruined me completely. I have never expected this from you and I have never seen a girl like you. Damn! I curse the day I proposed you.”
His spleen gave me a platform. I had viewed his thoughts and I took no time in replying. “So money matters! Hmm. Exactly. I’m sorry if I hurt you. The luxuries that you bought me seems bribe that you offered me to win my body. The empty rooms for you and me seemed hazardous. The body odours block the passages of all the love fumes. I never needed sex but only your love. I demanded no money but your time. You always protected me, right, but from what? Am I an object, having no sense? And you haven’t seen a girl like me! So I don’t match your criteria of an ideal lover. Hmm. Fantastic. I bless the day you proposed me, it has appeared fruitful to me in learning something.”
His tone grew heedless as if I had talked all nonsense. “Oh come on! Sex is life and love without physical attraction seem nonsense. I started a relationship with a girl and all I wanted was my right, I owned you. But it appears that you have no taste and you are a damn lesbian.”
“Yes, I am.” This response was something that broke all my perceptions of love. Love! Can’t it happen without a physical union? Is the love that a child does to his parents futile? Can’t it happen between two humans of the same gender? The conversation had answered all my questions.
It was evening now and the dusk of our relation has appeared. Nothing was left except a fine goodbye. But I was still waiting for a miracle that might change his attitude and fetch him back to me.
Without wasting time he broke the silence, “I hate you now so much I used to love you. I can withstand this now. Good luck. God bless you.”
Things happened which I doubted for. He taught me a lesson that the love I longed for cannot be found anywhere. I failed to stop my tears and made me surprised that they were useless to him then.